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talking with the dead

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Ciao!
Much of this journal is friend's only, so please comment and add me if you'd like access to all the hidden material and neurosis within.

Liebe,
Elfa

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I don't know what to write that can describe even a little bit how terrifying and difficult this week has been.
I think I'm gonna be okay, but there's a lot of really tough stuff ive gotta work through right now.
I am grateful for friends and love.

I start working this week and I think I probably found a studio I can afford.
Yeah- I'm just gonna start making it happen.
I am trusting and trustworthy.
I am a good person.
I am a loving person.
Yeah.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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I have essentially changed for the worst, and become my worst fears. My basic mode of operation is to endure, not to create. Expectedly, at a time in my life when I need companionship the most- I am isolated.
And i endure.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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Just replaced all the pictures I have of my dad with Otto Dix paintings. Much better.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Inspired to write in this old thing again by an old friend. A lot of things have happened since my last update, and every day I am enthralled by the overwhelming sense of movement I feel. We (my family and I) are being pulled by mystical forces away from a boring life. We're really moving overseas this time next year. This has been in the making for a long time, but over the past year and currently we have been making real efforts to get the fuck out of here.
Giving birth to Uta ignited this sense of urgency and purpose, and everything has been better and more interesting since we decided on our goal to live in Berlin. Every day I cast another spell and project my will across this vast globe, and every day i know that i belong somewhere else. We're getting rid of most of our stuff. All nonessentials are being sold, gifted, or tossed. It's liberating.
Being with Uta and planning for our journey is what drives my living currently. It seems silly to try to express to my technological device how profound being a mama is, how much I adore this kid and how my sense of sensing everything has changed. So I won't really try. She's a force though. She picked a tarot card the other night, and it was the sun, alright?
And I'm still drawing quite a few swords along with the chariot and the world. I feel like I'm finally making some progress with my severe anxiety and episodes of fearfulness. I've told some people that can help me some serious stuff. Accepted some other serious stuff. Hjjjjkkddsjjkkln, you know. It's late. I've got to write an essay auf deutsch tonight and meditate on a paintbrush.
Gute nacht.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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But sort of not really? I feel like I'm the only one that's changing, and that I'm mostly struggling to contain this internal change. What is it? I'm not entirely sure but I'm just very different. I'm finding a new direction I think. I'm starting to realize some fears and to truly realize the immense impact that fear has had on my life, actions, and being for the last...beginning and duration of my life. And I've been harsh on myself in an attempt to not only realize this reality but to do away with it. So many things I've done do and said say have been are motivated by FEAR. The problem I guess is that there are vestiges and habits and most importantly people that I care about that have been here all along and may be here because they helped make my fear or are vitally attached to my fear. So I am working on compassion and patience too, but this is harder. because I'm young and have the potential to be a lot better. I hope you catch on soon.
This doesn't make sense, but I don't even give a fuck. Hi, livejournal.
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Here's my Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab wish list:

General Catalogue scents I want to try:
Alice
Amsterdam
Antony
The Apple of Sodom
The Apothecary
Baba Yaga
Bathsheba
Belladonna
Bensiabel
Bewitched
Black cat
Bluebeard
Brimstone
Burial
The Caterpillar
The Chicken-Legged Hut
Coyote
Darkness
Deadly Nightshade Honey
Dee
Delight
Delphi
Depraved
Djinn
Dorian
The Dormouse
Dragon’s Milk
Fire for thy Stepmother’s Daughters
The Forest Reverie
Glasgow
Golden Priapus
Gomorrah
Grand Guignol
Haunted
Hecate
Hellfire
Hemlock
Hemlock Honey
The Hesperides
Hetairae
The High Priest Not to be described
House of Night
How Doth the Little Crocodile
Hymn to Proserpine
Iago
Imp
Incantation
Jazz Funeral
The Jersey Devil
Jezebel
Kabuki
Kathmandu
Lear
The Lion
Marie
Mata Hari
Nanshe
Nocnitsa
Oberon
Oleander Honey
Omen
Paris
Penny Dreadful
Rapunzel
Robin Goodfellow
Rocking-Horse-Fly
Rome
Rosalind
Rumpelstilzchen
Sacred whore of Babylon
Scarecrow
Seance
Somnus
Strangler Fig
Temple of Dreams
Tenochtitlan
Tintagel
Titania
Thanatopsis
To a Woman
Tzadikim Nistram
Urd
Vassilissa
Velvet
Verdandi
Voodoo
Whoso List to Hunt
The Witch’s Garden
The Witch’s Repast
Yellow Jessamine Honey
Yew Trees
Yggdrasil
Yorick
Zombi

Limited Edition scents I want to try:

Candles moon
worm moon
Falling leaf moon
Frau Holle
Hexennacht
Illuminati Cotillion
The Illustrated woman
Krampus
The Montauk Project
The Steeple
Teatime in Roswell
Traipsing through the Crop Circles
Womb Furie
blue pumpkin floss
Any halloweenies- especially pumpkin scents!

Scents I adore and always desire more of:
Baku
Beanman and Beanwoman prepare to attack the vagina
Boomslang
Dana O’Shee
Deep in Earth
The Lights of Men’s Lives
Ouija
Snake Oil
paduan killer swarm
death cap
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